Home > Emotional Issues > How Grief Affects Your Relationships

How Grief Affects Your Relationships

By: Beth Morrisey MLIS - Updated: 20 Apr 2017 | comments*Discuss
 
Grief bereavement loss emotions

Usually when someone dies those close to him or her will feel intense emotions that can often unsettle their own personal relationships. Grief, or the emotions felt due to a loss, can be particularly hard to cope with for both the bereaved and those who are trying to be supportive. Thankfully, with mutual respect and patience, relationships can withstand and even sometimes grow stronger due to grief.

What Is Grief?

Generally speaking grief is an emotional response to the death of a loved one. Very often grief is equated to sadness, though it is not always so simple. Instead, grief often involves a progression of different emotions and reactions that include shock and/or numbness, anxiety, anger and sadness. It may take days, weeks or even years for someone who is grieving to cycle through all of these stages and some people never experience all of these emotions due to a particular loss, or experience some emotions related to one loss but different emotions due to another. This is perfectly normal. There is no set itinerary for grief, though if there is a distinct lack of emotional response, or an emotional response so overwhelming that it begins to affect a person’s employment, education or personal relationships then it may be best to consult a counsellor.

Grief and Relationships

Grief can take a toll on relationships because it is primarily an individual experience. Partners can try to understand someone else’s grief but they can never experience it or take on the burden themselves. Grief can have a number of affects on relationships. Partners may grow closer as they need each for support or realise that they would like to spend more time together. However, partners may also grow apart if the grieving individual retreats into him or herself, his or her partner loses patience with grief or a combination. Intimate relationships may also experience a slow period if the grieving individual does not feel like becoming physically close to others. Finally, some relationships may not experience any changes if grief is not intense, if it is fleeting or if partners are able to give and receive support in an open and “efficient” manner.

Supporting Others Through Grief

Perhaps the greatest mistake someone attempting to comfort or console another can make is to insist on how the other must be feeling. Instead, friends and relatives of the bereaved should be patient with whatever emotions the individual may be feeling without deciding whether these emotions are “right” or “appropriate”. Talking about how each person is feeling often helps everyone stay on the same page and understand more about what others are going through, and scheduling activities that the bereaved enjoys may help him or her to experience positive emotions. If more than one person is experience grief at the same time, it may be that allowing each to experience their own grief without feeling that they must make the other feel better helps all involved. However, throughout grief, physical affection, tokens of love and affection, and reminders that others will always be there for the bereaved will likely always be appreciated.

Grief is often a solitary, unique experience. Others will never be able to understand exactly how the bereaved is feeling, so patience with whatever may come will help all relationships stay strong. If it is believed that grief is interfering with the bereaved life then counselling may be in order.

You might also like...
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
[Add a Comment]
hi..I lost my dad 2 years ago & the first year was a blur..since the second things have got worse. my marriage I feel is falling apart iv seen my husband watching porn to women what are not like me..and it's causing arguments even 8 months down the line..and regiments are getting out of control. I don't know how to deal with my emotions, my child don't like seeing me cry about there grandad...so I keep it in..iv started to enjoy a drink now & then & that's when the rows get explosive! I feel such anger deep down. I feel I'm falling out of love with my husband but I know we love each other & are soul mates...feel confused..alone...
hanna - 20-Apr-17 @ 2:44 PM
I lost my mum not long ago and have gone into my own world since, I have seen things that my partner does that really irritates me! He constantly looks at the same type of woman while we are out.. I find this really disrespectful as these woman are the total opposite of me and are more like his ex partners! I have pulled him on this and he says I'm being stupid but I can't help how I feel when I see him sneaking a peek at this certain type of girl! This has really upset and deflated me to which I don't like going out anywhere with him and make excuses why I can't go, I have come to the point I don't want to be treated this way playing second best to his fantasy of girls he likes, we also had a row about him watching a film with a dark hair girl while having sex I caught him watching tv while getting down to it! This made me lose my temper and sex ban come in force! I have looked at his phone as my guts are really good with instinct and he's been watching porn(same type of girl he likes) why has he done this? Instead of trying to make me happy he's turned to porn to help himself! I feel really let down and ready to call this relationship a day?
Blakey - 19-Apr-17 @ 11:09 AM
April - Your Question:
Hi, I lost my mum 6 months ago and everyone says I have dealt with it well but I worry I am very anxious and defensive at times and hurt my partners feelings. I think it is just that I am always waiting for the next bad thing to happen so read things into his jokes and comments that he doesn't intend. I have also dealt with being hit by a car and having a serious illness myself, along with starting a new job and relocating. So lots of major life stuff. I just want to share that I love him and feel terrible when I get defensive or snappy. It just happens sometimes then I feel bad. I am working on trying to stay quiet until the feeling passes. I hope it might help someone experiencing this from a bereaved spouse to know it is not intentional and I have only recently noticed the pattern and realised, it's me not him!

Our Response:
Thanks for describing your feelings here and we're sure this will help some of our other readers. One thing that might worth trying would be to write this down for your partner to see as well...in the form or a note or even a text message, or perhaps show him the comment you've written here.
FacingBereavement - 18-Apr-17 @ 11:43 AM
Hi, I lost my mum 6 months ago and everyone says I have dealt with it well but I worry I am very anxious and defensive at times and hurt my partners feelings. I think it is just that I am always waiting for the next bad thing to happen so read things into his jokes and comments that he doesn't intend. I have also dealt with being hit by a car and having a serious illness myself, along with starting a new job and relocating. So lots of major life stuff. I just want to share that I love him and feel terrible when I get defensive or snappy. It just happens sometimes then I feel bad. I am working on trying to stay quiet until the feeling passes. I hope it might help someone experiencing this from a bereaved spouse to know it is not intentional and I have only recently noticed the pattern and realised, it's me not him!
April - 15-Apr-17 @ 6:30 PM
My new long-distance boyfriend of 5 months just shut me out of his life.I did not know why, no reason, no explanation.So obviously I was worried sick, called him and texted him so many times, even texted his friend who knew something but would not say.It wasn't until 5 days later I found out my boyfriend's brother had died.He sent me very short 2 line text but still has not spoken to me since. He just shut me out of his life, no explanation nothing.I am very upset about this because it's like de ja vu for me.My last boyfriend did the same 3.5 years ago but he was sick and dying so that is why I was worried and panicking this time, it brought back all the bad memories and hurt so much.Now I don't know what is happening, does he want me in his life or not.Surely if he did he would've told me what happened straight away at least then I would have understood and not gone psycho stalker girlfriend sending texts and voicemails all the time.What do I do now?.Do I wait and see if he gets in touch or what.I don't know?
Emjay - 5-Apr-17 @ 8:33 PM
HCB - Your Question:
My father-in-law died about six weeks ago. My husband and I currently live in Canada for his job; when we found out his dad was dying, he went back to the UK straight away - I had to go a day later, as there was no other space on the flight. Unfortunately, his dad passed before my husband could get there. When I arrived, he told me that the funeral wouldn't be for a couple of weeks and that he would have to go back to work. I had to stay in the UK, as we couldn't afford the extra plane fare. He came back a couple of days before the funeral, which was a hard day, and then we came back to Canada the day after. The next day, he went back to work. That was about two weeks ago and things have gone horribly wrong. In the first week, he was pretty withdrawn, which is of course understandable; we made a deal that I would stop asking him how he was feeling and he would talk to me when he felt he could. Since last weekend, I've barely seen him. He's had a couple of late nights out in pubs, stayed over a couple of nights at work and, on the other days, come home as late as possible. We talked a bit but not much - I didn't want to push it - but he seemed to agree that talking to a counsellor might be helpful. Yesterday I came home from work to a letter, saying he's very unhappy, needs space, doesn't know if he loves me anymore and has moved out to a motel. I'm trying to respect his need for space but I am sick with worry about him and devastated about 12 years of my life going down the pan in the space of two weeks. I feel so alone as I have no friends here; our life here has totally revolved around him/his job and us spending time together. This has pretty much happened out of the blue and I just don't know what to do. I think he's spent the last week stressing and I've spent the last week crying, neither of which is helpful, but what can I do when he doesn't want to talk to me and now he's gone? I don't even know where he is.

Our Response:
Poor you, what a terrible thing to be dealing with. We're not in Canada so don't know of any support organisations, but please try and find something like this in your area. If you can talk to others who've been in a similar position it might easier to handle. Give you husband time to come round and to grieve, but make sure he knows he cannot continue to treat you like this or to have you hanging around waiting for him to come back either.
FacingBereavement - 5-Apr-17 @ 1:35 PM
My father-in-law died about six weeks ago.My husband and I currently live in Canada for his job; when we found out his dad was dying, he went back to the UK straight away - I had to go a day later, as there was no other space on the flight.Unfortunately, his dad passed before my husband could get there.When I arrived, he told me that the funeral wouldn't be for a couple of weeks and that he would have to go back to work.I had to stay in the UK, as we couldn't afford the extra plane fare.He came back a couple of days before the funeral, which was a hard day, and then we came back to Canada the day after.The next day, he went back to work.That was about two weeks ago and things have gone horribly wrong.In the first week, he was pretty withdrawn, which is of course understandable; we made a deal that I would stop asking him how he was feeling and he would talk to me when he felt he could.Since last weekend, I've barely seen him.He's had a couple of late nights out in pubs, stayed over a couple of nights at work and, on the other days, come home as late as possible.We talked a bit but not much - I didn't want to push it - but he seemed to agree that talking to a counsellor might be helpful.Yesterday I came home from work to a letter, saying he's very unhappy, needs space, doesn't know if he loves me anymore and has moved out to a motel.I'm trying to respect his need for space but I am sick with worry about him and devastated about 12 years of my life going down the pan in the space of two weeks.I feel so alone as I have no friends here; our life here has totally revolved around him/his job and us spending time together.This has pretty much happened out of the blue and I just don't know what to do.I think he's spent the last week stressing and I've spent the last week crying, neither of which is helpful, but what can I do when he doesn't want to talk to me and now he's gone?I don't even know where he is.
HCB - 2-Apr-17 @ 12:33 AM
My wife lost her father 2 weeks ago and I'm noticing the same thing. We been together 25 years and her dad was my dad also in every way other than biological. I'm trying my best to be there for her but I suffer from depression from mainly rejection in childhood so I don't think I can take any more. She's the only person who ever showed me love and it's litteraly killing me . I don't want to sound selfish but I'm trying to spoil her and it's like I'm just a commodity with no appreciation.It's only been 2 weeks and we not had funeral yet but I just don't see how I can keep coping with my own issues I'm afraid my marriage could break down.
Matty23 - 31-Mar-17 @ 3:55 PM
I have had a bad 18 months. My first son was 7 weeks old when my mum was diagnoses with terminal cancer. She passed away when my son was 18 months old and I was 8 months pregnant with my second boy. Throughout mums illness my in-laws were not very sympathetic and would frequently state they felt we did not see them enough. They even told my husband that after I took my mother and father away for the weekend, that we were 'making memories with jens mum and dad at the expense of seeing them'.Now mum has gone I have an intense anger toward them.I know their dream of being grandparent was tainted by my mums illness but I can't help thinking they need to pull themselves together as mum is gone forever.How do I move on do I mention how they have upset me or will it just take time.
Jen - 28-Mar-17 @ 11:35 PM
September 1, 2016 after 3 days in a hospital burn unit my Aunt passed away from her final attempt at suicide... Her and I were very close even though my elder I was more of the adult of us 2... My Husband of 5 years always my main supporter my rock was there the last 2 years of her life right by my side in every effort to help her or just be her support system... She struggled with addiction as have we and she dealt with mental illness... I knew this time I wouldn't be taking her home and getting her into bed as had happened many times before so I guess I was prepared... My Husband was by my side when I got the call and he was by my side when we scattered her ashes... Literally the day after he started when he would come home from work leaving not even an hour later to not return till he would lay his head to his pillow... I first in a way confronted him before Christmas... He said he was struggling with her loss to which I could fully understand as was I... I from the first day never stayed in bed unable to do nothing and just cry no i got up every morning made him breakfast seen him off and continued on my days of suicide awareness... January came and went... I only seen him when he came in late and flopped in bed... February came and went to now March... I did in turn yell and cry and begged him to talk to me to not shut me out that I need him and I know he needs me... He laughed at me....... Said I was making something outta nothing... Tonight day 7 in a row he has slept in the living-living-room yet day 33 in a row of him not coming home until after 12:30 am........ I know I have a mouth and I can be pretty feisty so my mouth is shut yet only for now... Something has to give..! Right..!..??
Resa - 26-Mar-17 @ 9:14 AM
Sammi - Your Question:
My partner lost his dad,taken it badly and as depression. I have tried so much to support him and being there, he is just pushing me away not talking to me not even spend time with me and the children. My heart is breaking trying to help and support him, feels like we growing apart in the relationship. We don't do nothing for each other no more, he shouts at abuse at me and seems like I can't do nothing rightAm always the one in the wrong, coming so close ending the relationship he is. I have tried so hard to be there for him but seems he don't want me. Spending money silly, going out with his friends happy and watching football when he wants. I do really let him do what he wants to make him happy but he don't notice what he is doing is hurting me so much and can't take it feel like am breaking down in my mind and feeling am not the one he wants any more. This might sound selfish of me I don't want to hear I got to be patient when I am but I can't do it if am getting pushed aside and not getting spoken to, don't want sound nasty be different if he wanted my love and support.

Our Response:
It sounds as though your partner is afraid of his responsibilities now that his own father has died. He doesn't see how he's hurting you, or that his actions are having a such an effect. You could try writing down how you feel, try not to focus on the negatives but on how you are coping and how you iss the relationship you once had etc. Contact local support organisations such as Cruse Bereavement Care - they can help the partners of bereaved people too and may have some suggestions about how you can approach your situation.
FacingBereavement - 22-Mar-17 @ 11:45 AM
My partner lost his dad,taken it badly and as depression. I have tried so much to support him and being there, he is just pushing me away not talking to me not even spend time with me and the children. My heart is breaking trying to help and support him, feels like we growing apart in the relationship. We don't do nothing for each other no more, he shouts at abuse at me and seems like I can't do nothing right Am always the one in the wrong, coming so close ending the relationship he is. I have tried so hard to be there for him but seems he don't want me. Spending money silly, going out with his friends happy and watching football when he wants. I do really let him do what he wants to make him happy but he don't notice what he is doing is hurting me so much and can't take it feel like am breaking down in my mind and feeling am not the one he wants any more. This might sound selfish of me I don't want to hear I got to be patient when I am but I can't do it if am getting pushed aside and not getting spoken to, don't want sound nasty be different if he wanted my love and support.
Sammi - 19-Mar-17 @ 3:18 PM
Hi. Just wanted to share. I lost my Mum 2 and half years ago, and my dad 8 years ago. My long term boyfriend cannot take the effects of the bereavement on me and he is dumping me after 10 years.l have been difficult and very depressed since the loss of my mum, and feel guilty about things I let her down in, badly. My boyfriend has been unable to support me in any way, but equally I have not shown him love and affection either. He said he thinks I am 'mad' or mentally ill and he will not be with someone who is sick in their mind as he will get that way himself. He refuses to speak to me, and will not meet up. He said if i ever choose to be happy and normal he will consider contacting me. Just wonder how others would deal with it. We cannot live together or marry - so the relationship will always be just visiting each other.
dELL - 1-Mar-17 @ 9:31 PM
Papaeh - Your Question:
To all the people that are dealing with a greiving spouse or partner, let me say this hang in there as much as possible, the person that is greiving will come off as very one sided , they will blame you for everything, and make you feel that you are at wrong. I'm not saying we are perfect because no one is perfect and I'm not saying everyone greIves the same but if your experiencing distant and feeling like a punching bag then you aren't alone. My wife's greiving put me on a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and she became very selfish , I don't think she intentionally did so, I think it's just losing someone you loved so much like a parent or a child that she started blaming herself and she keeps saying she is alone , she can't accept the fact her mom is gone it is still taking a toll on her and I just pray everyday it will get easier for her because she is dealing with every emotion imaginable. I am no psychologist but what I experienced with my wife was beyond anything I ever dealt with , if you read my early post on here you will see the hell I was going through with her , now her and I are getting closer again but she is still greiving, I am trying to get her help and still trying to be there for her but she is still up and down. So as the person that isn't greiving all I can say is try to be there for them as much as possible whether they want you with them or not, if they start saying I love you grasp onto that to give yourself hope even though it will give you some queston marks just give your heart to God and focus on yourself , you're partner still loves you even though they are using you as a punching bag , the reason they do that is because they know they love you and you will take the abuse, basically hurt the ones you love the most. I kept that in my head the whole time and was there for her any which way I could be. Another thing if your partner starts to come back around and showing you love do not bring up unanswered questions from the past because to be honest they probably won't remember doing what they did to you. Things have been getting better with my wife and I and I pray it will stay this way, but who knows ?? I will keep you posted lol

Our Response:
Thank you for this, it's really useful to hear an update on this situation. We hope it continues in a more positive vein for you.
FacingBereavement - 17-Feb-17 @ 12:27 PM
To all the people that are dealing with a greiving spouse or partner, let me say this hang in there as much as possible, the person that is greiving will come off as very one sided , they will blame you for everything, and make you feel that you are at wrong. I'm not saying we are perfect because no one is perfectand I'm not saying everyone greIves the samebut if your experiencing distant and feeling like a punching bag then you aren't alone. My wife's greiving put me on a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and she became very selfish , I don't think she intentionallydid so, I think it's just losing someone you loved so muchlike a parent or a child that she started blaming herself and she keeps saying she is alone , she can't accept the fact her mom is gone itis still taking a toll on her and I just pray everyday it will get easier for her because she is dealing with every emotion imaginable. I am no psychologist but what I experienced with my wife was beyondanything I ever dealt with , if you read my early post on here you will see the hell I was going through with her , now her and I are getting closer againbut she is still greiving, I am trying to get her help and still trying to be there for her but she is still up and down. So as the person that isn't greiving all I can say is try to be there for them as much as possible whether they want you with them or not, if they start saying I love you grasp onto that to give yourself hopeeven though it will give you some queston marks just give your heart to God and focus on yourself , you're partner still loves you even though they are using you as a punching bag , the reason they do that is because they know they love you and you will take the abuse, basically hurt the ones you love the most. I kept that in my headthe whole time andwas there for her any which way I could be. Another thing if your partner starts to come back around and showing you love do not bring up unanswered questions from the pastbecause to be honest they probably won't remember doing what they did to you . Things have been getting better with my wife and I and I pray it will stay this way, but who knows ?? I will keep you posted lol
Papaeh - 16-Feb-17 @ 12:54 PM
My girlfriends father passed away almost four years ago and we've been together for a year. Recently she has made a couple of posts about missing her and not being able to talk to him about advice in which she feels that she is having some troubles and some decisions to make. She hasn't brought any of this up to me yet nor talked with me about what is troubling her. We work together at a hospital and a mutual friend that we work with, is going through and experience with her mom, much like my girlfriend went through with her father. I had been feeling a little frustrated and my girlfriend made a couple of mean comments. I had know idea that our friends mom was in the hospital and saw her after my girlfriend made some mean remarks. When I saw our friend I had asked what she was doing at the hospital and she told me her mother wasn't doing well. She thought my girlfriend had told me and replied back that she hadn't said anything. We raised our voices a little bit and told her my girlfriend hasn't been talking to much. The situation was brought on by emotions and I apologized to our friend. A day later my girlfriend asked how that conversation went and I explained to her in a nutshell what had happened and my girlfriend replied back that our stories didn't match and that she was upset about it. So, I explained to her in further detail and told her I made a mistake and that I apologized to our friend. The next day, she asked me to grab some clothes for a week and to leave her the house key. I heard her crying and went to talk to her and she told me that by my raising my voice to her friend that I had brought up some emotions and feelings of when her father was in the hospital and that if I had talked to her that way when she was going through her fathers time at the hospital she would have knocked my head off. I explained to her that It was a mistake on my part and our friend and I made up. I feel like I'm getting blamed for something that she has already been feeling and that our friends situation with her mom is what really stirred things up inside her. On top of that she doesn't know if she still loves me. I'm being patient and giving her the time she needs. I don't think she has really dealt with her fathers passing and could use some advice.
Orion - 15-Feb-17 @ 8:18 PM
My friend passed away in a car accident December 10 2016, exactly one month before my birthday (which was significant bc we celebrated many birthdays together as hers is soon after) and 2 weeks before Christmas.My boyfriend was out with friends when I found out.He texted me and I gave him the news.He had difficulty recalling my friend (she lived out of state and he'd never met her) and made an off-color comment asking if it was "a friend from my hometown who was on drugs."I found this very hurtful.THEN, he did not come home for 3-4 hours.I didn't expect him to rush home right away but I felt abandoned being alone for that long after getting this news.He apologized but compared his not being there for me to my not attending his friends' wedding 15 hours away from us one weekend months before.I'm not sure how these things are relatable.The week of Christmas, we went to see his family and one night I felt like he and his sister were ganging up on me when I was upset about my friend, minimizing her death (his sister actually laughed at me) bc their dad was diagnosed with cancer 2-3 years ago.I was so hurt, I actually left and got a hotel room.We have been fighting a lot over this for the past 2 months.I don't know what to do.I can't see why he isn't being supportive or where his empathy card is.I'm already hurting so much and it seems like he wants to hurt me more.
Angela - 12-Feb-17 @ 12:00 AM
withya - Your Question:
It is good to know us spouse's are not alone in what we are going through with our grieving wives and husbands. my wife has pretty much shut out any of my needs, which I understand, it is just dufficult to accept. I have lost loved ones, and never shut out my person of affection during my grieving process, so this has been confusing for me. when I read that others have experienced being shut out, it gives me hope that she will someday see Me again. I miss her. I feel alone and depressed that she doesn't notice me. I pray things get better eventually. I also feel like a punching bag at various times. it definately is like trying to converse with a wall!! it flat out sucks, but I will stay by her side, through better or Worse. I just pray she will be able to show her love for me again. I feel selfish and lost.

Our Response:
We hope you manage to get through this too and that your patience is eventually rewarded.
FacingBereavement - 8-Feb-17 @ 11:32 AM
it is good to know us spouse's are not alone in what we are going through with our grieving wives and husbands. my wife has pretty much shut out any of my needs, which i understand, it is just dufficult to accept. i have lost loved ones, and never shut out my person of affection during my grieving process, so this has been confusing for me. when i read that others have experienced being shut out, it gives me hope that she will someday see Me again. i miss her. i feel alone and depressed that she doesn't notice me. i pray things get better eventually. i also feel like a punching bag at various times. it definately is like trying to converse with a wall!! it flat out sucks, but i will stay by her side, through better or Worse. i just pray she will be able to show her love for me again. i feel selfish and lost.
withya - 7-Feb-17 @ 12:49 AM
Ladies/women/girls we can continue to help one another get over being used and abused by cheaters like my ex David Mota. I want to introduce everyone to this professional hacker that helped me catch my ex cheating husband by hacking into his phone discreetlyand remotely without being noticed at all. I got to find out about all of his hidden social media accounts (dating sites inclusive) and hidden bank account after i contacted pyramideye hacker for help. I Will advice everyone to check on their partner's loyalty so you don't end up being used and abused like me.All you have to do is drop him mail at (PYRAMIDEYE dot HACKat OUTLOOK dot COM) and get your hack done at a cheap rate.You can thank me later!
Judy - 28-Jan-17 @ 11:29 AM
My life was destroyed when my husband sent me packing, after 13 years we have been together. I was lost and helpless after trying so many ways to my husband back to me. One day at work, I was distracted, not knowing that my boss called me, so he sat and asked me what it was all about, I told him and he smiled and said it was no problem. I never understood what he meant by it was no problem getting back my husband, he said he used a spell to get back his wife when she left him for another man, and now they are together till date and initially I was shocked hearing something from my boss. He gave me an email address of the Prophet Abuvia which helped him get his wife back, I never believed that this would work, but I had no choice coming into contact with the sayings that I get done, and he asked for my information and that my husband was able to propose to throw him the spell and I sent him the details, but after two days, my mother called me that my husband was pleading that he wants me back, I never believed, because it was just a dream and I had to rush off to my mother's place and to my greatest surprise, was kneeling my husband beg mefor forgiveness that he wants me and the child back home, when I gave prophet Abuvia a conversation regarding sudden change of my husband and he made clear to me that my husband will love me until the end of the world, that he will never leave for another woman. Now me and my husband is back together and started doing funny things he has not done before, he makes me happy and do what it is supposed to do as a man without nagging. Please if you need help of any kind need, please contact Prophet Abuvia for help. His email is prophet.abuvia AT g m a i l . com his website is prophetAbuviasolutiontemple . webs . com
sarah - 25-Jan-17 @ 2:40 PM
I'm still on a rollercoaster ride of hell , my wife's greiving is so one sided and she is still using me as a punching bag , I don't know what to feel anymore , I know I love her and want this marriage but part of me feels like I got sucker written on my forehead.One day she loves me and is close to me the next she hates my gutsand tells me she isnt in love with me?, I pray everyday to God that she will love me the same way I love herbut from things she says to me lately I don't know if there is hope or it's just her demons talking. she still wants to do things without mebut does things with me when it's convient for her , she says I am clingy which I don't think I am , I am just trying to support my wife and kids through this crucial time. I work long hour days and then when I get home i start doing house choresetc. I keep busy My feelings do not matter to her if I ask her a question about us,she keeps saying make friends and go out and leave her alone, well all I do is work and when I get home from work I clean the house and do chores to keep busyand help her out , I have no interest into hanging out with friends right now not while I feel my marriage is on the rocks, all I keep thinking is its going to lead to more resentments. I ask her if she wants this marriage? She says she doesnt know anymore she says she just wants to enjoy life and that I need help and that I am the one that changed ? Before all this happened with my mother in law my wife and I were inseperablealways enjoyed each others company now it's like she has no interest in me anymore and my feelings do not matter. When I try to tell her how I been feeling she gets mad at me , she acts like she does no wrong at all , like she is perfect and I'm just this annoying husband that shouldn't have any feelings , I am so lost and confused and don't know what direction to turn , I feel like I am being emotionally abused because she is very one sided , she excludes me from doing things we would usually do together all the time. And gets mad at me when we are invited somewhere and tells me she would rather go herselfwithout me? It hurts my feelings that she doesn't want me around her when something comes up that I know I would enjoy I am wrong to want to go. I got mad at her and said a marriage is for 2 people to enjoy life together if you can't enjoy it with me then we shouldn't be married , she gets defensiveand says that I don't control her that she is allowed to have alife without me by her side at all timesand I said yes you can when you're single I said by you not want g me with you tells me you don't have any fun with me so why are we married? She says if I am not happy that I should just leave. Part of me is thinking of doing sobut then it hits me on how much I love her and pray that she is only acting this way because she is greiving and her depression. I just think it's disrespectful that she doesn't respect me like I respect her . I do
Papaeh - 24-Jan-17 @ 5:43 PM
Things are getting somewhatbetter between my wife and I , she said that she loves me but hard for her to love because she is still greiving over her mom? So I still feel like I am just hereand pray everyday that she will Love me like I love her. Everyday is a different mood so I am not really sure what to believe. When I question her she tells me it's because she is mourning over her Mom , so even though it hurts me inside I am standing by her side no matter whatcuz I Love her so much. I just pray that she can get through this. For the people having issues in their marriage during a crucial time like this I am going to tell you now it does feel one sided because you don't know what exactly your partner is feeling and experiencing , all I can say is stand by them no matter what if you love them ,I knowit's easier said then done trust me I know, But put yourself in their shoes and pray that they will eventuallyput themselves in your shoes, again greiving is a very messed up thing because everyone grIeve's differently , All I can say is give your faith to the Lord and let him guide you, You can't change what your partner is feeling all you can do is love them no matter what they choose to do and know in your heart that it isn't your fault if they choose to walk away from you. Because if the person that is greiving does walk away from you while you have been supportive then that's their lossand tells you that person doesn't deserve you and that will be something else they have to live with for the rest of their lives. It's ok to tell your partner how your feelingand to question thembecause you are a human being and have feelings also , when my wife is mean to me and doesn't want to be touched I just walk away, best thing to dogive them tIme to process what they are feelingbecause again we can't read minds. It will feel like your partner is taking advantage of you , it will feel like they are just using you , it will feel like they only love you at their convienceall you can do is reassure them that you love them and be their punching bag , I told my wife I am not walking away if she wants to leave me she can but I believein God and Love for better or worse marriage and family. Just pray everyday is all you can do and let God guide you
Papaeh - 18-Jan-17 @ 1:37 PM
I lost my dad 8 months ago but still live with my mum, I'm also in a relationship andeven though my mum thinks a lot of him, I its her birthday on the day I spend the night with him. Am I being a bad daughter by still staying at his?. I've asked her if she wants to do something for her birthday as its her 70th but all I get is you won't be there at night, I've been there for her all the time but she really makes me feel guilty for having a partner. I also have a younger sister but she doesn't have that much to do with Mum. Can you help me in knowing what to do.
Shaz - 17-Jan-17 @ 7:20 PM
the tablecloths. I told him, maybe he should wait to decorate, see what mom said. I asked what he was doing, as a suggestion to go in the room to pay respects to my mom, or even me. He snapped, "I brought you a tea! Wtf." I walked away crying.I told my sister what happened. She had to go to him to give him a lecture on what he was supposed to do. But, he still didn't get it. He came and hugged me, but later told me I was unreasonable, in front of everyone. Yes, I was unreasonable for expceting my husband to hug me and say, "I'm so sorry." He didn't do it, still hasn't, and today he called me a b for still being upset about it. I'm even more upset because his mother never offered condolences, didn't come to the funeral or wake, tho she could have.Instead, she kept calling my husband throughout the wake, to make sure he was going to drive her to the airport @ 1am, not once offering condolences. My father was the most respectable man I have known, and for my husband to treat me the way he has, would upset my father to no end had he been alive to witness what happened. My sister's boyfriend, a man who just fell into our family a yr ago, offered more genuine sympathy than my own husband. It really hurts and it's affecting our daughter. I know now, that my father was my favorite person in the world besides my daughter, and the only man in my life that cared for me, and now he's gone. I'm devastated.
lynn - 16-Jan-17 @ 8:13 PM
My father died after a year long battle of health issues. At times, there were promising strides in his recovery, then sudden issues that brought him back down. He was elderly, but was a fighter & fought until the end. My father was a very caring man, always helped ppl in need, with no expectations other than a respectful & genuine 'thank you' in the end.He really liked my husband, felt he had a good bond with him. Which is why I'm astonished, upset, and heartbroken with the way he's acted when my father passed last wk. He has never dealt w/ the death of a close relative or friend, other than the husband of my close friend, which my sister keeps telling me why he doesn't know how to react. But I don't buy it. The wk leading to my father's death, I had been upset, knowing my dad's time on earth was coming to the end. 3 days prior, my dad was resucitated, and brought back, placed in ICU. He awakened & was able to greet ppl, & see ppl for what would be his last time. Through this time, I didn't feel he was being supportive. He just kept focusing on eveything else but the facts, which was my dad, my awesome mentor, was dying.Even months prior, he had had the nerve of comparing my need to visit my sick father to that of his need to visit his brother in the next state, at least 1x a month to drink & have fun, bcuz we don't know how long we have to live.I said, 'did you clean up your stuff from the garage so we can park in the garage when it snows tomorrow?' He replied, "no, I went to my brother's. I should be able to do what I want when I want. You visit your dad almost every day." My father was attached to a ventilator, had a gtube, was becoming paralyzed from a spinal injury.Dad needed around the clock care and for family to sit w/ him regularly so he received proper care to avoid more suffering. Dad was not a vegetable throughout his illness or in a coma, he was alert and able to communicate. He was trapped in his body but had the hope he'd recover, which now and then he'd show good signs.but, for my husband to be rude & complain about how often I visited my dad just made me feel ill.The day dad passed it was my daughter's 3rd bday. We were in the hospital, but had the waiting rm to ourselves.We had decided prior to his death, we would still have a small celebration for my daughter in the waiting rm, open gifts and have cake. While my husband went home to walk our dog & gather the cake w/ our daughter, my sisters, mom, brother-in-law, sister's boyfriend, dad's brother & sil, all stood w/ dad as his heartbeat dropped. We cried for an hr & then held his hands as he flatlined. I messaged my husband that dad passed.We all stood around, hugging ea other, crying. I waited a while, but still didn't see my husband. So I went to the waiting rm & found my husband there, decorating the room. I know ppl process things differently, but I really felt confused. Instead of him walking to me and offering a hug, he kept unwrapping the
lynn - 16-Jan-17 @ 8:07 PM
All I can say is to give your heart to the Lord, and pray everyday that your partner will get through this and be able to love you again and to give you what you once had.I know it's very confusing I am right with you. It got to the point where I don't know if she still loves me or not and is this all because she lost her mom?I been feeling so lost lately my wife is still up and down , I pray everyday and tell her I love her everyday , I am trying to just be there for her as much as I can even though I am hurt and lost inside , she is still crying pretty much everyday and night and she has been coming to me here and there butit's confusing because she is so down and says negative things to me . Sone days sheLoves me and wants to be close. I feel like i am on a rollercoaster ride and pray everyday that shetakes my heart in full again. If I try to be close to her and kiss her or hold her she tends to pull away and tells me to stop being so needy. I just walk away and try to focus on other things, it's the worst pain ever I feel like I am losing my best friend but then she comes back and tells me she loves me and wants me to take care of her. I feel so bad for her and wish I could take away her pain. I been hinting to her to get grief counselingwhich I think I am going to have to do whether she wants to or not , I married her for a reason and I know she needs help. All I can say is Love your husband no matter what, just be there for him as much as you can , give him spaceandwhen he is mad at you or tells you negativethings just walk away because right now you are talking to a wall pretty much . I know you feel like a punching bag but if he loves ypu he will come back or show signs, i dont know your relationship withyour husbandbut just staying positive andshowing him you care is all you can do , I know it feels like it is one sidedbut know in your heart that you're a good person. I know it is tough probably the toughest thing I ever dealt with in my marriagebut I know in my heart I dont want to lose herand I know there is no set limiton how long this will go on forbut focus on yourself and let God guide you I been dealing with this for 4 months nowto the point I am numb but keep telling myselfto be there for her no matter what if she choosesto leave me then that tells methat my love for her didn't mean a thing and yes you will be angry and sad but again you can't force someone to love you all you can do is love yourself and pray to God to get you through , you can't focus on his actionsI know it's easier said then done but if you truly love himdont let go. It's ok for you to reach out for support and vent during this very hard time. I am right with you and praying for you . Hang in there
Papaeh - 12-Jan-17 @ 7:50 PM
My boyfriend just lost his dad to a stroke. He has been very sad and has drawn within. He lets me visit him but he never reaches out to me. I feel him pulling away. I dont know what to do. I dont know how to talk to him about it because I dont want him to be upset that Im not respecting his grieving. I thought he was better but he never tries to spend time with me and it feels like I am chasing him. I dont know what to do and i dont know how much more i can take.
M - 9-Jan-17 @ 11:53 PM
I just loss a family member. For all the husbands dealing with there wife's distance . Hold on I am feeling the same way with my husband but the difference between your wife and me is that I wish I had that type of support from my husband he told me to move on in other words get over it . It hurts so bad, that he says these words. I know I've been so fustrated and angry but I don't want to feel like this I know this one day will be over . I am a very strong individual, I've dealt with a loss before by myself .
Naynay - 7-Jan-17 @ 11:20 PM
I am still so confused , I can't imagine what she is going through but I amso lost why she doesn't want me by her side? I been on a rollercoaster ridethat seems like it will never end .1 minute she tells me she loves me then the next she hates my guts and wants a divorce. I feel like a punching bag andI love her so much , my words to her dont mean a thing to her . I don t want to lose her but not sure how much more I can handle? Everyone tells me to stick by and that she will eventually come to me? From some of the things she has been telling me I am not sure what to believe anymore? She keeps saying her life has changed and that she doesn't love me anymoreand just wants her freedom
Papaeh - 4-Jan-17 @ 3:00 PM
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice...
Title:
(never shown)
Firstname:
(never shown)
Surname:
(never shown)
Email:
(never shown)
Nickname:
(shown)
Comment:
Validate:
Enter word:
Latest Comments
Further Reading...
Our Most Popular...
Add to my Yahoo!
Add to Google
Stumble this
Add to Twitter
Add To Facebook
RSS feed
You should seek independent professional advice before acting upon any information on the FacingBereavement website. Please read our Disclaimer.