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Coping with Multiple Deaths

By: Beth Morrisey MLIS - Updated: 12 Feb 2020 | comments*Discuss
 
Death Family Friends Grief Trauma

It’s hard enough to cope with one death, but when multiple deaths occur at the same time or in close succession it can be downright overwhelming. When many deaths occur at the same time it may be under traumatic or accidental circumstances, and the shock of the surrounding events can lead to even greater grief. Family and friends can be invaluable for an individual trying to cope with the death or more than one loved one, but ultimately the individual alone will need to work through his or her grief in order to truly survive the trauma.

Family and Friends of the Bereaved

Family and friends of the bereaved may be suffering themselves, but pulling together to get through the days, weeks and months after the initial loss(es) is important. Helping each other to arrange funerals and/or memorials, sorting through the estates of the deceased, organising child care and meals and keeping an eye on each other to make sure that everyone is eating and sleeping is a safety net that many individuals need following the deaths of more than one loved one. If it seems that one individual is not coping as well, such as by turning to drink or drugs, violence or anger, or an inability to care for themselves or their dependents, then organising grief counselling and/or therapy immediately may be a good idea.

Surviving the Losses of Multiple Deaths

Ultimately, surviving more than one death at a time is something that each individual will need to do for him or herself. This can be even harder if one of the deaths (or more) was accidental or traumatic given the sudden and painful nature of the event(s). Allowing themselves time to grieve for each person, and recognising that grieving for multiple losses will take longer than for just one loss, is a good way for bereaved individuals to begin exploring their grief. Putting off other things for a while may even be necessary in order to grieve properly. However, individuals who begin to lose interest in life, who feel that they are being punished for something through the death of others, who find themselves feeling out of control with rage or who turn to drink or drugs to mask the pain must be honest with themselves about their behaviours. Getting help to work through their emotions, whatever they may be, is imperative.

The death of more than one loved one is a unique trauma for every individual who experiences it. However, each person who must cope with more than one death will already know inside themselves how they can best cope. If these coping mechanisms are destructive, then seeking professional help to find others is important. Family and friends can be invaluable at this time, so allowing them to help may be a way for everyone to work through their grief. If, however, a family member or friend begins to impede someone else’s grief process then discussing how this has happened and what each would like to do about it may help everyone stay on the same page during a difficult time.

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Man, for the first time in a while, I don't feel so isolated in my greif. So many of you have lost multiple close family members in short periods of time and honestly I didn't know of anyone outside of my family and extensions of the family, that's dealing with so much at once. I honestly have felt pretty alone in it and the few people that I do know that are dealing with this much loss, are just "faking it til they make it" like myself. I've been through a lot of horrible things and somehow, I am still here. I dont understand how I made it this far as it is to be honest. Ive experienced so much pain, abuse, neglect, and abandonment from nearly birth, that I've developed a severely thick skin... outwardly at least. But these last 3 years have been the most difficult of all of my adult pain. It started 2/4/16 when my father was admitted to the hospital and by 2/11/16 he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his lungs. With more testing, they discovered hit was liver as well. In less than 3/4 of a year, it spread further to his spine and brain. Even with the chemo and radiation treatments. I spent every 3 weeks or so, back and forth from Texas to Ohio. 3 there. 3 here and repeat. I was with him a few weeks before he passed. He was supposed to be in the ICUuntil the cancer took him but he signed himself out of the hospital against doctors wishes, to go bowling with my older brother and I. It was the only true family outing I had with them two and I treasure it immensely. I had to return home the following day, but told him I'd see him in a few weeks. I never got to make it on time. On 2/24/17 at 9:56 am, while I was on my way to the Houston airport, he finally let go. I felt obligated to stow my greif not long after I made it back to Texas after we laid him to rest. I wasnt asked to do so but I felt my pain was too dark for my then boyfriend, (now fiancee). I felt like I was not devoting the proper attention and time to my relationship so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I buried the pain. I planted it as deep as I could. (Which probably wasn't far at all since I've spent my whole life buring the pain) Then, I tried to pretend like I wasnt as lost, sad, angry, distraught... and so much more, and I feel like I did good enough(ish) until the following January. I had a dream on 1/26/18 that I'd have to bury my mother before the 1 year mark of my fathers death. The next day my mom called me to tell me she was signing up for hospice, as she had been in a nursing home for a couple of years by then. He exact words to me were, "Don't worry. ?? It's not an 'I'm dying' sort of thing".. and went on to explain that it was basically easier for the home for when the time actually does come. She hadn't had a clearly audible conversation with me due to her last 15 or so years with emphysema and constant oxygen. However, that day, I heard her crystal clear. I didnt have to ask her to repeat what she said at all. 3 days later she passed away in
Amy - 12-Feb-20 @ 11:50 AM
I have lost a total of 63 Friends in the last 7 years which has put strain on my life , I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and serve depression have had help from several groups and company's but nothing has helped, tried lots of different medication but made me a zombie and it didn't take away the thoughts, I was then addicted to medication which I struggled to get off, I have paid for private treatment but start explaining about what's happened and what I have seen and they have got up and walked out , I have lost all my friends as the ones that said they would help have left me in the dark to get on with it , people say i always look happy but inside it's eating away at me , so much that I cannot sleep properly , Panic attacks , sleep terrors , flashbacks, heavy sweating. Fed up with people saying just get over it
Revell - 10-Feb-20 @ 10:23 PM
I am so sad reading everyone’s stories.I have my own and it is taking its toll. I lost my husband 3.5 years ago.16 months later my dad passed away.Mom followed him 13 months after that. My only sibling is dying from advanced cancer.Since we lost Mom in October, he has given up and It may only be weeks. So basically my husband and my entire family have left this world in the past 3.5 years. Drinking too much, eating too much, discovered the casino and waiting for my turn.I am 59.I can’t take much more.I don’t know what I will do when my brother passes.
Buttons - 8-Feb-20 @ 10:42 PM
7 family and friend 2 dogs in 24 months I lost my best friend from an aneurysm.60 years old a few months later, I came home on Memorial weekend to find my significant other (54), decomposed, he too had brain aneurysm. blood all over (walking dead), 6 months later I found my friend dead in the bed, heart attack. 4 months later my dad, 3 months later my sister (56), I had to pull the breathing tubes, She had an accident. Found my other friend... I walk around and around...
maha - 2-Feb-20 @ 4:18 PM
I know this all too well. My Auntie passed away this morning due to terminal cancer, a year and a half ago I lost my beloved Nan who was my last grandparent, lost my other Nan 9 months before that, lost a family friend in a car accident 8 months before this, lost my beloved Uncle back in 2012 then 8 months later my second childhood dog was put down, lost my Grandad back in 2008 who was my best friend and back in 2001 I lost my beloved Great Nan then a few months later my first childhood dog was put down. I am 23 years old and honestly I don't know how many more times my heart can be smashed into a million pieces.
Samboo - 29-Jan-20 @ 4:48 PM
I just today lost one of my granduncles to suicide a few hours ago, the other is in the hospital and has a low chance of making it, and his daughter was just told she only has 2 weeks to live. All happened in a few hours and it is very hard to deal with, especially me being only 13.
Taylor - 27-Jan-20 @ 2:33 AM
My grandmother had just passedaway a couple days before thanksgiving. Normally every year me and my family would come visit her every other holiday, so it was so shockingto me she had died days away from us seeing her again. I was trying to get over it, hide my emotions and focus on school. However, a week past and found out my cat had just died. Her name was Ares, and I was with her for 6 years every single day. Its the holiday season yet it’s filled with sadness.I don’t know how to handle this.
Onisuke - 2-Dec-19 @ 7:24 PM
Gosh this is my life. Just when I think I have begun to grieve one loss this year, I have to start at square one for the next. I’m 28 years old. In December 2018 I lost my mom to lung cancer. She was 58. In January I lost my Aunt who helped raise me, in March I lost my dad who was 62, in June I lost one of my dogs, in October I lost another Aunt and two weeks ago I lost my sister who was only 35. All sudden and unexpected for the most part. I just hope I’m done losing people this year! I think I’m at my breaking point.
Jill - 21-Nov-19 @ 11:04 PM
I understand this all to well. Apparently I'm looking for something if I'm looking this up online. I'm a single mother of a beautiful 11 year old. The deaths started for me 18 months ago. I first lost a close friend to liver cancer. Then my father to dementia. Next my boyfriend to cancer. Then my best friend and adopted nother to cancer and lastly my rock who helped with my child to suicide. I have and mat still be at that point where I feel like God is punishing me but I know he's not. I've grown closer to God but struggle everyday to be the mom that I need to be. In the past few weeks a few th7ngs have happened good and instead of enjoying it I completely break down into panic attacks. My body doesn't know how to react right now. I'm here to listen if anybody has advice.
Tanya - 17-Nov-19 @ 10:12 PM
Hi, I think I need help, since one of my best friends commited suicide 3 years ago, I have lost a further 11 friends and family through death. The 3 suicides of my male friends, and my grandad and uncle hit me the most. I have been diagnosed with chronic depression since nick hung himself 3 years ago and I feel this feeling low will never end.
Gav - 27-Oct-19 @ 7:12 AM
At the start of this year, my gran and highly handicapped aunt had a house on the same street as my mum and dads flat. When I come down to visit from Dundee where I currently live, there's the family unit all close to eachother. Until May this year when my dad died of a sudden massive heart attack, with no warning, just dropped down and was gone. My mum then moved in with my gran as the flat was my dads. My gran fell and broke her hip 3 weeks ago, she died on Saturday from complications. The house will be put up for sale. My mum is homeless. I am stuck in Dundee. This year has taken everything.
broken - 14-Oct-19 @ 11:33 AM
I've had 4 deaths in the last 8weeks.2 dear friends of 41years passed away my brother in lawwho I was close to hung himself and my cat passed away.I'm heartbroken.
Boots - 30-Sep-19 @ 5:01 PM
After reading some of your heartbreaking comments,I feel mine is just another sad story.....married very young 17..Iv five children...At 27 I lost my one and only brother aged 20 to suicide..Mum was never the same..my marriage was unhappy..Took me yrs to get over the loss..But people said I'm strong..My two eldest boys started to get in trouble prison ect..I stood by and gave all my support ..Divorced when the youngest was two, as their father hadied always been controlling. ..Took care of mum then dad for 6 yrs and lost both to Dementia..had councillors. ..Now in 2019 in July iv lost my son to murder....He was 43 and it's turned my whole world upside down....Iv 3 son's and one daughter left...My fear and anxiety has hit the roof..I'm also very very angry..My son was troubled And on drugs...My eldest is also a rebel...How can I ever stop this awful fear that more dreadful things are going to happen....Also their father has offered No sympathy..How could he live with himself....Griefstricken mumXN
Jan - 16-Sep-19 @ 11:07 AM
I lost my dad the day after my birthday from sepsis 8/22/19, then my grandma 18days later from cancer 9/9/19, and then last night my favorite cat passed away from being ran over by a car 9/11/19. I’m currently pregnant and due in November, In the past 20 days I’ve held the dead body’s of 3 loved ones and said my goodbyes. I’m having panic attacks now. I don’t know how much more I can deal with right now.
Tara - 12-Sep-19 @ 11:49 AM
My grandma who is my best friend and someone who I look up to passed away in April this year suffering from an illness. In June another relative passed suddenly. It was a giant shock as he had attended my Nan’s funeral and he was so healthy and happy and full of life and told me all about my Nan when she was younger how reckless but kind spirited she was. And now in September another relative had passed away on my partners side and it’s been a rough time trying to figure out what’s going on what’s happening and where I stand in all this. I just don’t know what to do. Who I am or what life is anymore. But I know I should thank the world I am still healthy and that my family will always be with me. And I have to solider on! I hope everyone on this site is able to get the help they deserve and need! And that you’re not alone and it’s hard to process these things. Sometimes things happen but we have to pull ourselves from the pits of depression and darkness and know we’re not alone! This is a time to be with family and friends and to share the people’s lives who have passed and celebrate who amazing they are and the more we share the more we feel one with them and come to terms with the heartache
Joy - 5-Sep-19 @ 11:11 AM
First, my heart goes out to everyone on this site. Although the circumstances are different, we all share in a unique and intense pain and can take some comfort that we are not alone in experiencing such pain. In March of 2017, I lost my mother in law unexpectedly. She was kep alive until we could see her to say goodbye. She was one of my best friends. Six months later my Dad passed. My mom and I had to decide to remove a ventilator and let him pass. He had suffered through a stroke for 5 years. Then in March, my brother, my hero and only sibling, fell into sepsis unexpectedly. He was in ICU for a week, in a special rotating bed and purposely paralyzed and in a medical coma but he ultimately did not recover. I was in the room with him while the team tried to restart his heart and held his hand as they said his blood pressure wasn’t holding and his death was imminent. I was with him and watched him pass from this world into another. He left behind a minor son that I had to begin working with the court system for his care and estate and the mountain of paperwork that comes with that. My mom would die 2 months later. I saw her the night before she passed and have at least the comfort that I had fixed her nightgown, covered her with her favorite blanket and pillow and knew she passed with dignity in her sleep. Lastly, my father in law died 6 months later. He moved close to us after his wife died and saw him daily. These people were our lives. We spent every holiday with them. Talked to them all nearly daily. Now, we have no support system. No one to celebrate holidays with anymore, no one to just call and say hi. We have just the 4 of us left and we are trying to build a future without them. I just try to remember my mom gave me all the skills I need to thrive. For me to not to use them is to dishonor her. She raised me well and although the pain is constant and some days debilitating, I tell myself to be patient with me and take it one day at a time and that I owe it to all of them to find a path back to happiness again. I have children, my brother has a son and that is their legacy. It is my job to make sure the family still thrives.
Kim - 22-Aug-19 @ 4:59 PM
Brother, 2012 Mom, 2015 Best friend, 2015 God mum, 2016 Dad, 2017 Brother, 2018 (last family member) Today, 2019 cousin Yeah, I'm numb....luckily I have a great hubby and 2 great grown girls.....
Tam - 21-Aug-19 @ 7:35 PM
I lost my nana on 7-15-19 and my grandfather today on 8-18-19 and it’s just so much i loved them so much but they lived in another state and i didn’t see them much. my nana was always there for me and always wanted others to be happy. my grandfather was a great man always respectful and caring. he lost his memory a few years ago though and could not remember anything. it was heartbreaking seeing him like that and him not being able to know me. i don’t know how i can handle there loses and i don’t know if i ever will be able to.
Nicholas Bierman - 19-Aug-19 @ 4:00 AM
I've never said this out loud, I divorced lost my home, & business 2014. 2015 suddenly lost my mother, a week later my aunt, a minth later my grandmother, within 3 months 2 more uncles. 2016 my father became gravely ill, had to move in with me. Lost 2 friends in 2016 while caring for my critically ill fathera full time job and school. My father passed in 2017, 3 months later my brother was diagnosed with spindle cell carcinoma, I quit my job spent my retirement to take care of my dying brother. He lived 10 months. July 12 will be 1 year since his death, I am so lost. I believe im in every stage of grief. I've been to counseling, emdr therapy( I also suffer from PTSD, from an earlier experience). I've yet to finish school, I'm struggling to pay bills, im depressed, angry, scared, unsure. Not sure how to make life work.
Jennrose78 - 30-Jun-19 @ 4:31 PM
Mum schizophrenia from my birth resulting in my having PTSD, OCD. No father. Lost nephew 2014 alcohol, Lost sister alcohol 4/11/18, Lost other sister alcohol 1/1.19. Mother having breakdown at present. I was attacked with glass recently and Police have falsely charged me. I have a court case 6-9 years if convicted. Found out earlier dog will probably have to be put down as bones crumbling. I don't know what to do anymore just want to die. Don't know if I can carry on.
Godhelpme - 11-May-19 @ 4:06 AM
I lost my mom in May, and my dad in July. They were married over 60 years. I never grieved due to my family and foolishness.A lot of jealousy due to what I was left with. Now, I don't deal with my family. I've basically disowned my family. My family acted so crazy, I wasn't able to grieve.I'm planning on getting counseling.Has anyone gone through the same? If so, what did you do?
R. B - 9-May-19 @ 3:04 AM
I lost my mother-in-law on 12/23/17, my dad on 4/2/18 (my mom's/his wife's birthday), my 27 year old niece/God daughter on 4/13/18, my brother-in-law on 5/18/18, my mom on 6/5/18, my 36 year old nephew/Godson on 2/23/19, and my one year old husky was hit by a car on 3/5/19. I can't take any more. Lost 7 of the most important lives ever in a short period of time and I can't take it.
7gone - 27-Apr-19 @ 4:01 AM
I lost my father, brother, cousin / boyfriend in a thirteen month period. My cousin helped me deal with my brothers physical abuse after my father died. My mother had mental health issues and was a verbal and emotional abuser who did nothing to stop her son. Things improved when my cousin intervened. I loved all of them regardless.My life improved. One night my cousin, brother and others went out for the night and four were killed in a horrific car accident.That is when the real night mare started.I experienced post traumatic stress, memory loss, nightmares, suicide attempt.My mother changed at night and entered a very dark place that she wanted to take me to. At the age of 16 l went to another planet to live. I suppose l could not cope with all the grief and trauma. I didn’t want to go there but l did anyway. That’s how l describe it.I lost so much of myself. I had memory loss and post traumatic stress for over 23 years. At 39 l had 3 sons and l knew their happiness was in jeopardy with me the way l was.Il had to find out what was wrong with me.I had to regain terrible memories and try and deal with what happened to me.I eventually got there.
LorraineNOT - 19-Apr-19 @ 9:32 AM
My little brother hung himself when he found his 11 month old daughter dead ,she was failure to thrive .. my mom died less than 2 months later
Pandi - 20-Mar-19 @ 10:26 PM
In May 2017 my ex husbands mother and father died within 8 days of each other which had a devastating impact on my sons. Then in August 2017 my younger brother died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage, causing such over whelming grief to myself and my sons, and my aging parents. Finding myself trying to come to terms myself and trying to support others I love . My younger son and his partner had their 1st baby in May bringing in expected joy to us .. ( he really is a gift) My father then passed away on 20th June this year.. I totally adored him..I’ve been awash with so much grief and not having come to terms with losing my brother However my younger son is just not coping at all..he said he’s in a dark place .. he’s not depressed but cannot explain .... He is happy with his partner, they are planning a wedding , loves and adores his son and knows he has good things to look forward too .. however he is not happy .. his patner, Emma feels she cannot cope either or knows how to deal with all of this . I too feel out of my depth and worry it will cause the collapse of their relationship.. what and how can we all mend ?? Thank you Angela
Goosey - 12-Sep-18 @ 8:53 PM
I had my Grandmother, Step dad, Sister, Aunt and my best friend die within a space of six years. I don't know many people or have many friends and so the impact was even more devastating as these people were the only people in my life. I've also lost my house and almost became homeless. I find myself feeling increasingly hopeless, becoming overly sensitive and above all wanting to be silent for days on end. I want nothing out of life and long for solitude all the time although I can fake being normal and friendly quite well.
Meg - 21-Apr-18 @ 10:50 PM
My only brother shot and killed my twin 16 Year old Nieces 4-days before their 17th, Birthday and then shot and killed himself. One month later we found out my wife was in liver failure. She was only alive for 28 days and then died on our 21st, Anniversary. She died in another state waiting for a transplant and her family kept me from saying goodbye. Both my parents are dead and now i am totally alone, no family to spend the Holidays with. I have been seeing a Grief Counselor once a week and it is helping, but sometimes when i think about having no family it really scares me. I miss my Wife's great cooking and eat only enough to stay alive. I am tired all of the time and i am surprised i have made it this long. It has been 6-months since my wife died and i live alone. I am moving back to my home state in April to be closer to friends. How long is it going to take to get my life back to "Normal?"
Sprout - 19-Nov-17 @ 4:12 PM
Sherbear - Your Question:
I'm not sure what to say but I can relate to a lot of your posts to some level. Within 3 years, I lost a friend, 3 aunts ( two under the age of 61), a great uncle, my 28 year old cousin who my parents adopted when we were kids, and my Nana as of 3 months ago. ( she was 90 but was my like a mom). My 58 year old uncle just moved in with my parents' he has early onset Alzheimer's. All of this has happened on top of being a new mom and my husband losing his job and me being the financial stability. I also hate my job and my boss but I just feel frozen. I'm stunned. I used to be so happy and if I didn't have my daughter I don't know what I would be like. I've always been the strong one but I feel broken. I saw a therapist and she started losing track of people and I loathed having to tell my story over and over again when we only had 45 mins. I'm hoping for some peace soon for me and my family.

Our Response:
Oh Sherbear, we hope you find some peace soon too. What a terrible few years you've had. You have your own little family to care for now, but don't take on too much...one day at a time. Seize each little glimmer of joy each day and you'll soon find there are more of these than sad times. Take care and do seek out the support from the many amazing support organisations like Cruse
FacingBereavement - 27-Jul-17 @ 11:01 AM
I'm not sure what to say but I can relate to a lot of your posts to some level. Within 3 years, I lost a friend, 3 aunts ( two under the age of61), a great uncle, my 28 year old cousin who my parents adopted when we were kids, and my Nana as of 3 months ago. ( she was 90 but was my like a mom). My 58 year old uncle just moved in with my parents' he has early onset Alzheimer's. All of this has happened on top of being a new mom and my husband losing his job and me being the financial stability. I also hate my job and my boss but I just feel frozen. I'm stunned. I used to be so happy and if I didn't have my daughter I don't know what I would be like. I've always been the strong one but I feel broken. I saw a therapist and she started losing track of people and I loathed having to tell my story over and over again when we only had 45 mins. I'm hoping for some peace soon for me and my family.
Sherbear - 23-Jul-17 @ 4:54 AM
I am relieved to read your stories. I was not sure if I was the only one who has panic attacks so severely after the experience I have endured. This year my daughter would be 18. I have to watch kids go to prom and graduation and it cuts me deep. But her death happened along time ago. It is the more recent events that have got me feeling like I got hit by two trains. The man of my life, my love Matt died suddenly at 40 in 2016. We had just celebrated his birthday and danced the night away. We were planning on moving to California and he was going to adopt my daughter. It was perfect. My dad also died within one month of Matt 's death. My dad and him were best friends.Us three together were best friends.So I continued to work all last year picking up extra shifts and not really dealing with it very well. I would cry all night when no one was around to see. I have one friend who also lost her fiance. She was so grief stricken that she would call me some nights balling. And we would together. Becauseit is embarrassing to grieve and it is private. One night in March this year she called me and told me she would end her life. I didn't take her seriously. The next morning at work I got the call. She actually did it! I walked out of my job that I have had for over ten years. I sat in my car paralyzed and lost. I couldn't even move for hours. After that day I have had extreme panic attacks.I feel like someone is chasing me and I am running in place constantly. So it has been a few months now and I decided to visit my dying sister. She has assured me that it will be ok but she is scared to die. I really don't know how to feel anything anymore. I really don't like being around people anymore. I just want to hide in a forest somewhere. I despise counselors. I just wanted to share this with this forum because I thought maybe someone could relate.
Callyanna - 12-Jul-17 @ 4:04 PM
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