Deciding whether or not a child should attend a funeral can be a very hard and sometimes even distressing choice. Adults often waver between wanting to allow a child to say goodbye, but not knowing if a child is emotionally ready for the event itself. Unfortunately, there is no correct answer to this question. Whether or not a child should attend a funeral will depend on many factors, each unique to the child, parents, family, religion, culture and funeral service.
To help you determine if a child should attend a funeral we have created the following questionnaire. Answer "yes" or "no" to each question and then total your answers. Match the total number of "yes" answers to the explanations at the end to help determine if a child should attend a funeral.
1. Is the child school age? 2. Is the child able to sit still and be quiet for lengthy periods of time? 3. Is the child accustomed to religious ceremonies? 4. Have you ever spoken to the child about death? 5. Will the child be overly upset by seeing adults grieving? 6. Is there someone who can be with the child throughout the event? 7. Is it common in your culture or religion for children to attend funerals? 8. Are you prepared to answer questions about death, including your own or the child's? 9. Are you prepared to explain what happens at a funeral so the child will understand? 10. Will the child be able to process seeing the deceased's remains in an open casket? 11. Are you prepared to answer questions about the deceased's remains? 12. Were the child and the deceased close?
Should A Child Attend A Funeral?
Total up your answers and read the summaries below. Hopefully this will help you to judge whether or not the child should attend.
Yes to 1 - 4 questions
If you answered "yes" to between one and four questions then the child is most likely not ready to attend a funeral. It may be that the child's development or personality is not suited to a formal funeral, memorial, burial or cremation at this point or it may be that you are unable to prepare the child for the funeral before it occurs. Whatever the reason, consider planning instead for the child to have a nice day at home with a babysitter and to tackle the question of death and the deceased on a quiet day alone in the near future. Reading a book about death can be a good way to get the conversation started, and then you could plan together a fitting way to honour the deceased. Whatever you decide, just make sure to answer all of the child's questions about death and help him or her find a nice way to say goodbye.
Yes to 4 - 8 questions
If you answered "yes" to between four and eight questions then the child may be ready to attend a funeral. If the logistics of the funeral are giving you pause (where will the child sit, who will be with the child, etc) then ask other parents or a member of the clergy for recommendations on what has worked best for children in the past. If you are uncertain about how best to prepare the child for the funeral then schedule a time to have a heartfelt chat and allow the child to ask whatever questions (s)he can think up. But if you are worried about the child's responses to the deceased's remains, the burial or to adult grief and you don't feel that you can adequately address these concerns before the event then it may be best to consider leaving the child at home during the funeral, burial or cremation and finding another way for the two of you to celebrate the deceased at another time.
Yes to 9 or more questions
If you answered "yes" to nine or more questions then the child is most likely ready to attend a funeral. If you haven't already, sit down with the child to make sure that you have a chance to answer all of his or her questions prior to the event. Also ensure that you have an adult ready to be with the child at all times during the ceremonies so that if another question comes up or it turns out that the child is not ready for the funeral then the other adult can bring the child out without you having to leave as well. After the event be sure to speak with the child again so that you can answer any new questions and confirm that the child understood all that (s)he witnessed and experienced on the day.
Share Your Story, Join the Discussion or Seek Advice..
my father in law passed away 2days ago is to be cremated next thursday.He played a large part in our lives especialy my husband and childeren.I was dreading this time as my husband was very close to hime which is natural however, my husband becomes emotional sometimes becomes angry.After his death that night he wanted to be alone but did not say this to me or the childeren so we went with him to the supermarket where he wanted a drink which he seldom does .he became agery because of a money issue even though i had fixed this .Instead of telling us he becomes angry.i adviced him to cry as this is his normal nature he has cried on and of but he is trying to stay strong especialy in front of his older brother and sister in law who never show emotion his brother is an expolice officer is this way i was told because of his job hwever,i myself in the nhs deal with poeple dying and their relatives even my friend who works in a hocpice showed emotion when her father died this seems unnatural to my childeren but i explained every one deals with death differently.I wish to enquire if my father in law dying and my husband boottling his feeling rather than crying causing him to feel lost and angry.
Also my youngest daughter that is 12 keeps crying when I mention the funeral i have tried to explain the cremation to her but she hids in the bathroom and refuses to talk about it I know she was very close as my in law watch her a lot when she was young.I am so worried as the funeral is soon and i would like her to attend if she can.She became realy upset which is natural when he first died in hospital i tried to encourage her to see him but was realy pleased when she refused as i thing his bereaved colour nay have frightened her.bUT AFTER WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL SHE CRIED FOR 2 DAYS SAYING I wanted to say goodby i tried to explain that her grandfather was at piece know and no longer in his body I even asked if she wished to visit the place where they rest the body the next day so she could say her goodbyes but she refused.Therefore can you please advice what i do next as i wish to help ease her pain
LAURIE - 17-Aug-14 @ 1:53 AM
Death is the next step after enjoying life and everyone is guaranteed to taste it. children need to realise this in order for them to appreciate what God has blessed them with. This is a great website that is very informative, straight to the point and interesting.